The King's Speech (2010) Review

             Out of all the fears that a person could have, the one that has been consistently named the most common is the fear of public speaking.  There are more people who fear talking in front of a large group of listeners than there are those who fear snakes, spiders, falling from great heights, and other greater threats to life.  And why is this?  I believe that glossophobia (the technical name for the fear of public speaking) ties into many other common social phobias, like the fear of being judged or the fear of being watched by strangers.  I know that I have a certain amount of glossophobia myself, and it is most prevalent whenever I have to deliver a presentation to a group of professors and students.  I overcome this fear by convincing myself that I am a confident speaker and I know exactly what I’m going to say.

This might be harder to do for other people, especially if they face some sort of obstacle whenever they talk.  Like King George VI, the featured person in the award-winning biopic, The King’s Speech.  King George VI, or Bertie (as he is affectionately called in the movie) was thrust into the role as the King of England, who served as the prestigious face and voice of the British government.  The problem, though, is that Bertie was a stammerer ever since childhood, and speaking effectively in public became an impossibility for him.  It may seem like a small problem for most, but I know enough people who stammer to know that it is one that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  It was especially true for Bertie, whose title required him to make big, important speeches meant to spur a nation into action.

Bertie’s triumph over his detrimental speech impediment is surely an inspirational tale, namely to David Seidler, the screenwriter for The King’s Speech.  Seidler, too, grew up with a stutter, and he considered King George VI as a role model.  Seidler was fascinated by the way this king delivered such impassionate speeches, despite having the same problems with speaking that he had.  Seidler, along with director Tom Hooper, were dead-set on making a movie that accurately and reverently told the story of the king’s journey to the throne.

Seidler and Hooper were very meticulous with the biographical aspects of Bertie’s ordeal.  While this might have appeased history buffs, it does lead to my biggest complaint about the movie.  Since it is VERY based on true events, the movie itself feels a bit slow and predictable.  I don’t think it’s the screenwriter’s fault, nor is it the director’s.  It’s just the way the story plays out.  I mean, it’s a historical movie about a guy giving speeches; it could only be so exciting.  Combined with the brown and gray that is splashed across all of the scenery and costumes, and you could have a rather unstimulating film.  But notice that I said “could”.  While The King’s Speech could easily be chocked up as a dusty old historical drama, the film actually transcends the genre through its brilliant performances and its inspired cinematography.

The star of the film is Colin Firth, who plays the stuttering royalty, Bertie.  Firth won the 2010 Oscar for Best Actor with this role, and it’s not too hard for me to imagine why.  Firth delivers an excellent, extremely thoughtful performance here.  His faux-stuttering is very believable, and his character draws in so much sympathy from the audience.  You can feel, through the way Bertie forces out his short, to-the-point sentences, that this character had suffered a lifetime of ridicule and embarrassment from his speech impediment and that his voice had been silenced for a long time.  He was a vulnerable soul who had to put up a tough front in order to protect his royal family’s name.  Firth’s portrayal of Bertie is truthful, poignant, and easily memorable.

Accompanying Bertie in this film is his speech therapist and “bromantic” interest, Lionel Logue, played superbly by the ever-entertaining Geoffrey Rush.  It’s the developing friendship between Bertie and Lionel that gives this movie its heart.  Lionel tries many times to develop a familial bond with Bertie, by calling him by his first name (a big no-no within the royal family), introducing him to his wife and kids, and sharing deep personal conversations with him.  Lionel is almost a father figure to Bertie, which is played out literally when Lionel allows the king to work on a model plane that his sons were working on earlier.  You get a sense that Lionel is not in this for the money or prestige of helping a member of the royal family.  He simply wants Bertie to overcome his personal demons and accept his marvelous fate as heir to the Royal Throne.  The relationship has many ups and downs within the story, but it never feels contrived or unrealistic; it just feels like a true friendship.

There are other memorable performances here as well.  While I’m not normally a particularly huge Helena Bonham Carter fan, she did give a certain air of elegance into her role as Bertie’s wife, Elizabeth, that is worth commending.  Guy Pearce, whom I’m always happy to see in movies, plays the role of Bertie’s more fortunate brother, King Edward VIII, who was so arrogant and mean to Bertie, I just loved to hate him.  And finally, I want to mention Timothy Spall, who is more commonly known as That Guy from That One Thing.  He had a small and yet important part as Sir Winston Churchill, and I find it funny that he had played that same role before in Jackboots on Whitehall.

I don’t usually gush over cinematography in a film, but I have to say that the camera work in The King’s Speech is FANTASTIC!  There are moments in this film in which I was completely in awe as to how beautiful the shots looked, and that’s saying something for a historical drama that largely takes place in indoor corridors.  In one particular scene, Bertie and Lionel walk through a park together during a thick fog.  The camera follows them and swings around them, and yet it still manages to capture the fog in such a mysterious and foreboding way.  Also, in many of the interview scenes between Bertie and Lionel, the camera locks in at interesting and fixed angles between the two people in the conversation.  While one might consider comparing this style to a Wes Anderson film, I find that there is an energy found in these shots that is unique onto itself.

And remember the brownish-gray scenery I complained about earlier in this review?  Well, sometimes it actually served as a great supplement to the sharp cinematography.  Many of the scenes in this film take place in large, echoing halls and empty rooms.  Yet while the physical space is ample, the camera shots are almost always cropped up to Bertie’s face, especially when he is making a speech.  Shots like these apparently emphasize that while he is physically distanced from his listeners, he still feels the pressure and discomfort of forcing himself to speak to them.  This technique replicates the claustrophobic sensation that Bertie must have faced whenever he had to give a public speech.

Finally, I want to mention the great score for this film, composed by Alexandre Desplat.  The best compliment I could give to a film score is that it perfectly blends into the action of the movie without being noticed, and that’s what the score does in The King’s Speech.  But when it is noticeable, boy, is it stupendous!  In particular, when Lionel is helping Bertie practice for his coronation at Westminster Abbey, the music swells up to an uplifting and joyous pace that can’t help but make you smile.  This is certainly one of the best scores I’ve heard in a movie in a long time.

The story of this movie does not offer much to those who are not history buffs or cinephiles, but those who want to give this film a chance will be rewarded.  I’m sure The King’s Speech will become a required viewing in every high-school British history class in America, but there is so much more to admire about this film besides its historicity.  There are the top-notched acting performances, the energetic and breathtakingly beautiful cinematography, and the wonderful dialogue written by a man with great adoration for the real-life people who inspired this movie.  The King’s Speech is no less than absolutely brilliant and greatly inspirational, and it’s no wonder why it won the 2010 Academy Award for Best Picture.

Rating:  4 Stars

Distributed by The Weinstein Company

            Running Time: 119 minutes

Judgment Time #1- Transformers: Dark of the Moon

“Judgment Time” is a periodic feature that I will now do every once in a while on this site.  In it, I will look at an upcoming heavily hyped film and discuss (using the advertising material, production news stories, and other sources) whether the movie should be seen or skipped in the theaters.  This is intended to help those who are considering watching this movie right as it comes out without reading any other review.  This is NOT meant to be a review of the film; this is merely a prediction based on what I’ve observed in the past and from the trailers I’ve seen.  So without further ado, let’s get to the first movie of this series, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, which is due to come out June 29th.

The Series Up To Now

Let me start by saying that the Michael Bay Transformers series so far has been one of the most despicable film series that I have ever seen.  You can read my reviews of those two movies here and here, but I’ll give you quick synopses on what I thought.  The first one had some decent moments in it, but lacked many essential elements that could have made it an endearing film.  Revenge of the Fallen was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and those who enjoyed it should off themselves for the sake of our gene pool’s future.  There are so many layers of suck in that film, I don’t even think that my detailed review of it covered a quarter of them.  Common complaints that I’ve had with both movies include annoying characters, sickening editing, barely recognizable and distinguishable robots, lame jokes that often rely on racist presuppositions, and hackneyed scripts that make for an overall immature story.  It goes without saying that I hated both films.

However, that doesn’t mean that I am predestined to hate Dark of the Moon.  Actually, I believe that it will be the best film in the series, which isn’t saying a whole lot.  Still, I’ve heard a lot of positive press about it.  Michael Bay has publicly admitted to the mistakes he made with Revenge of the Fallen and the attempts he made to rectify them in Dark of the Moon.  Actors Shia LeBouef and Tyrese Gibson have both gone on record to say that DotM will be the best film in the series.  Furthermore, starpower heavyhitters such as Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, and Patrick Dempsey are set to appear in this flick.  All of this buzz sounds pretty promising, and yet a lot of it sounds like press release material used to further hype the film.  It’s hard to say now without actually seeing the film, but I have a pretty optimistic feeling that DotM will be an improved film.  I mean, it could not POSSIBLY be worse than Revenge of the Fallen, right?

The Love Interest

Of course, the biggest news from DotM’s production is that Megan Fox will not be returning to reprise her role as Mikaela, Sam’s love interest.  Honestly, I don’t have much of an opinion on this matter.  I mean, I didn’t really have a huge problem with Mikaela in the first two movies.  Sure, she was obviously there as eye candy, and she did have some dramatic moments that were hilariously bad, but Fox was one of the least offensive aspects in the Transformers series compared to the rest of its terrible crap.  It is kind of depressing, though, to see this actress turn her back on those who helped start her career up, just so that she can be featured in a string of bad movies (Jennifer’s Body, Jonah Hex, and Passion Play).

So out with Fox and in with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, slated to play Sam’s new love interest, Carly.  I am frankly a bit worried that Huntington-Whiteley has not had any acting experience, working only as a fashion model up to now.  This, coupled with the fact that of every actress considered for the role was a model at some point, is pretty telling as to what Bay wants in a female costar.  Also, I wonder how the writers of DotM are going to handle Sam and Mikaela’s apparent breakup, seeing has the relationship had two full movies to develop.  Overall, I am not looking forward to this introduction to the new love interest.

The Trailers and Commercials

From what I’ve seen, the advertising material for DotM does not reveal much about the movie and its story.  From what I’ve gathered from the trailers, history is reinterpreted as it is revealed that the legendary American mission to the Moon in 1969 was actually a mission to investigate a wrecked Autobot spacecraft on the Moon’s surface.  This idea sets off a number of red flags for me, but I will spare you from them for now.  Anyway, the realization of this in the present day leads a climatic progression in the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons, which once again involves Sam Witwicky and the other familiar characters.

The latest trailer especially seemed to have made a grand impression on a lot of people, and I can see why.  The tone in the trailer is much darker and more foreboding than anything we’re used to in the past two films.  We see much larger scale attacks on cities, including spacecraft that bomb through the business district and a snake-like Decepticon that constricts an entire office building.  It all looks pretty promising, but the trailer mostly appears to be comprised of third-act material.  It is easy make a two-and-a-half minute trailer look good when you only use the most exciting clips of the film.  Still, compared to the trailers of the previous films, DotM looks like a much more serious and mature story.

Michael Bay and His Changes

So Michael Bay has released a number of statements claiming that he now recognizes how bad Revenge of the Fallen was and how things are going to be different with Dark of the Moon.  He blamed much of the failure of RotF on the big writer’s strike of that year and claims that the story is much more polished this time around.  Furthermore, Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, two of the writers of the last two movies, are apparently not involved with DotM (even though there are rumors that they contributed to the script in some way).  Hey, I’m all for changing the writing staff after the terrible script of RotF, but it isn’t that comforting to realize that Ehren Kruger is now the head writer for DotM.  For those who don’t know, Kruger is the “genius” behind such films as Scream 3 and 4, Blood and Chocolate, and my personal favorite whipping boy, Reindeer Games.  Needless to say, I’m not at all confident in the written story.

Another big change in DotM is that most of it was shot in 3D.  Great.  I’m sure that I am not the first one to say this, but the 3D fad has now passed.  Judging from the most recent 3D film sales, no one is really excited to see movies in 3D anymore.  They double the price tag of a normal movie ticket, they give some people headaches and eye strains, and the silly required glasses needed to view the effects darken the whole screen.  But it’s movies like DotM that keep extending the life of this fad, making it hard to see this type of film in 2D.  And by the way, do not even get me started on the re-release of the entire Star Wars series in theaters in 3D.  Jar Jar Binks will fly right at my face only in my darkest nightmares (shudder).

Speaking about horrible characters that represent horrendous racial stereotypes, let’s talk about the much beloved comedy duo of the series, Skids and Mudflap.  Apparently, according to Michael Bay, they are NOT going to appear in DotM, even though Skids (yes, I can tell which one is which) is clearly seen in the latest trailer, and Bay had previously defended both of them in past interviews.  Bay is even offering a ridiculous “$25,000 Challenge”, in which he will give anyone a large sum of money if they happen to find Skids and Mudflap anywhere in the movie.  Honestly, I don’t care if they are in DotM or not; the damage has already been done.  Plus, it sounds like they are going to be replaced by some other robots that are “street smart”, which is a euphemistic buzzword for “gangsta-stereotype”.  I expect no less than the same racial sensitivity seen in the past Transformers films.

So all in all, Bay is promising a much different Transformers movie then we’ve seen before.  The thing is, though, the trailer reveals a lot of the same elements that have dogged the series from the beginning.  The lens flares, the multitude of nameless grey robots, the mindless, glorified violence against them, John Turturro as Agent Simmons, and of course, Shia the rabid squirrel-monkey.  Ken Jeong is going to have a role in DotM, and I know that it is going to be the same over-the-top, unfunny comedic cameo that have been performed by Bernie Mac and Rainn Wilson in the past movies.  Bay better not be lying through his teeth by differentiating DotM from the other Transformers films and then having it end up just like the others.

The Early Review

On May 14^th, Capone from Ain’t It Cool News’ website published a review of a test screening for DotM (you can view it here).  The review is very positive, praising the darker imagery of the city attacks and actually calling the script “clever”.  He ends the review by saying “I’m genuinely surprised what a strong effort this film is, not just in terms of its scope, but also in its pacing, performances, and ideas.”

I’ll let you read the review and judge for yourselves, but let me put in my two cents.  To me, the review feels a little too personal, in that much of the praise the reviewer gives strictly comes from his own personal experiences.  For example, he found the Chicago scenes to be very moving because he lives in Chicago.  That’s good for him, but what about the rest of us who don’t live in Chicago?  Are we going to be as emotionally invested in the city as he is?  I mean, it’s not like the robots haven’t destroyed cities before; that’s not really what we, potential audience members, are concerned about.

Speaking of which, Capone also doesn’t really answer to some of the major complaints that popped up in the past films.  Like, is the comic relief going to be as pervasive as before?  Will we actually care about the old characters, or are they still going to be as annoying as ever?  How about the new characters, which seem to be a lot this time around?  How about the editing?  Is the story going to have huge plot holes as the previous films?  Is the racist humor cut out of this film?  He seems to just glance over these problems and solely talk about the cool action shots.  It could be because he doesn’t want to spoil the story, which I respect, but I’m very suspicious that this review is serving as a promotion tool for the film.

The Verdict:  Skip It

There is no doubt in my mind that Dark of the Moon is going to be the best Michael Bay Transformers movie, but I still don’t think that it will be worth watching.  As far as I can see, DotM is going to be as shallow and as loud as ever before, and of course, Michael Bay will always be Michael Bay.  I really hope that I am wrong, though.  I want people to enjoy the movies that they see in theaters.  If you hear any good reviews of the film after its launch, please listen to them before you heed my advice.  I’ll even try to do a review of the movie (easier said than done, since I am so very poor).  However, before the reviews arrive, please do not go rush out to see Dark of the Moon.  It’s not like you are hurting the film studio’s feelings; they’re too busy rolling in the money they conned people out of with Revenge of the Fallen.  If it’s June 29^th and you absolutely have to watch a movie in a theater, make it X-Men: The First Class instead.  I heard nothing but good things about it.

So long, and enjoy your summer!

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) Review

5 Good Things About Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

1.         Once again, the production and the CGI effects look very polished.  Plus, practical effects are used alongside a lot of the CGI, adding a little bit of organicity to the otherwise synthetic action sequences.

2.         The cinematography does feature a lot of nice, bright colors all throughout.

3.         I hate to sound like a pig here, but Megan Fox is lookin’ pretty good in this movie.  Megan, if you are reading this, call me!

4.            Gundam Suit Optimus Prime does look very BA at the very end of this flick, with all of his cannons and extra armor.  Too bad he discards all of it almost immediately, but oh well.

5.         This is a good movie to watch if you enjoy putting silverware inside blenders.

20 Horrible, Gut-Wrenching, Facepalming Things About Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen that Make Me Want to Remodel the Walls of My House with My Fists

1.         As it is in the previous movie, the editing is horrendous and sometimes even sickening.  Whereas I could somewhat see what action is happening in Transformers, in this movie, I have no idea what’s going on.

2.         The action and violence makes absolutely no sense, other than the fact that it might impress an 8-year-old’s brain.  The moral of this whole movie is that a hard, robotic punch to the face can solve any problem.  That’s a good lesson to live by, right?

3.         I care about none of the characters in this movie.  NONE OF THEM.  This film makes absolutely no attempt at character depth.  How could I possibly get excited about the violence and conflict if I don’t care about what happens to any of the involved characters?  They could all die and I wouldn’t feel anything.  And do you know why I don’t care about them?

4.         Most of the characters are SO ANNOYING!  Sam, Sam’s parents, Leo, Simmons, the Astronomy professor, Galloway, some of the Autobots, some of the Decepticons, they all unbearable and they all need to shut the hell up!  And whoever isn’t annoying is annoyingly boring, such as Mikaela, Lennox, Epps, pretty much everyone in the special forces, most of the robots, etc., etc.  Just horrible, shallow characters all around.

5.         I hate, HATE, Shia LaBeouf in this movie.  This human squirrel-monkey returns with 3 times the manic overacting he had in Transformers.  How the hell did this idiot become one of the leading action stars of today?!  Josh Duhamel makes more sense as a lead, since his character is the one who is leading the human fight against the Decepticons.  But LaBeouf’s character, Sam, is sort of forced down the audience’s throats as the hero of this whole series.  More on this later.

6.         The script for this movie is, at its very best, horrendous.  I guess the writer’s strike of 2008 was going on when they were working on this script, so Michael Bay actually wrote a good chunk of the action beats and humor by himself.  And boy, how you can tell!  There are needless curse words all over the place, and it just sounds completely childish.  The characters can only say the stupidest, inane crap you can imagine.  The story, in general, feels like it is being told by a drunken frat boy trying to be funny to his dumbass friends, and failing miserably.

7.         And on that same note, the “comedy” in this movie is just plain terrible.  Nothing good to say about it.  It’s all fart jokes, humping jokes, just your basic, tired, idiotic potty humor.  I can’t think of a single joke that worked for me, and anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE my toilet humor.  Everything is so immature and so embarrassing for the writing staff (Kruger, Orci, Kurtzman and Petroni, yeah, I’m calling these losers out!).

8.         The noise, noise, NOISE!  There is so much damn noise in this film!  It’s like putting my ear up next to a car compactor.  And a lot of the noise is random and inconsistent.  One second, a helicopter’s propeller is heard, the next second, the sound is gone and replaced with another sound effect, even though the propeller is still spinning around!

9.         This movie is so loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong.  You’ll be checking your watch at the 1 ½ hour mark, wondering if the film is winding down pretty soon.  Surprise, surprise!  You still have another hour left!  I’ve never seen a movie that took so long to say absolutely nothing.

10.       Despite how well the CGI looks, it is being used to animate very ugly things.  Most of the robots are gunmetal gray and covered with rust and battle damage.  They look very unpleasant.  You will have no idea what’s going on in the giant battles, because body parts and damage are completely unrecognizable.

11.            Interesting female characters?  What the hell are those?!  Almost every woman in this movie is here for exactly two reasons.  I’ll give you a hint as to what they are:  they start with T and A.  And no, I’m not talking about “talent” and “acting ability”.  Mikaela, the female Decepticon, every girl at Sam’s college, they all are objects in here.  They are all eye candy.  None of them contribute to the story, they are all just there to look pretty while the men do all of the movie’s heavylifting.  This movie sets the feminist movement back 20 years, at least.  I’m talking Warrant’s “Cherry Pie”-era here.

12.       Skids and Mudflap.  Imagine, if you will, what would happen if Jazz from the last Transformers movie and Jar Jar Binks had a godless lovechild.  Now, imagine they made a clone of that child.  That is the essence of Skids and Mudflap, who will go down in history as the two worst characters in all of cinema.  I can’t believe that Michael Bay defended them as much as he did.  These two ugly-looking, inner-city bred morons look like they were just picked off from a minstrel show from the 1800’s.  There is so much racial insensitivity radiating off of these ill-conceived dunderheads that you will want to take a shower after watching a single scene of theirs.  Any moment with them is so unpleasant, it’s not even funny.

13.       This is not a kid’s movie at all.  I know that it is PG-13 and all, but you have to admit that this movie is marketed towards kids, and it shouldn’t be.  I’m not usually a prude, but some of the violence that the robots inflict onto each other is kind of gruesome for a PG-13 movie.  Moreover, there are quite a lot of cuss words, sexual references, and derogatory terms being flung around here, due to the terribly written script.  Added with the female and black stereotypes, and you have a very immature, mean-spirited movie.

14.       There’s some sort of a neo-conservative subtext going on with this film.  Optimus Prime wants himself and the rest of the Autobots to stay on Earth and protect the humans from the Decepticons.  However, the U.S. government, with all of their horrible nasty bureaucracy, wants them to leave, because they think that the Autobots are the cause for the Decepticons’ interest in Earth.  Stupid government, run by a newly-elected Democratic president!  What are you going to do without your best chances of survival?  You can’t negotiate with Decepticons!  (Yes, they actually talk about negotiating with Decepticons.)  Also, there was a point in this film in which Megatron knocks down an American flag for no reason whatsoever.  Unpatriotic bastard!  Let’s put a boot up his ass!  That’s the American way!

15.       And while we are talking about this scene, Optimus Prime refuses to tell the U.S. government about the Autobots’ advanced weaponry.  Why?  It is clearly established that human-made weapons are ineffective against the Decepticons.  The reason that Optimus Prime gives is that he is aware of humans’ capacity for destruction, and heavier weapons could potentially destroy the Earth if there was a war.  You know, Optimus, it is kind of hard to sound like the harbinger of peace when you have multiple machine-guns and rocket launchers mounted on your back.  By the way, Optimus, how is that peace thing going in your home planet, Cybertron?  Self-righteous prick!

16.       There are so many damn Transformers this time around.  It was much simpler in the first movie:  a handful of Autobots here, a handful of Decepticons there.  Now, there are Transformers coming out from under the woodwork, and there is not near enough time to establish them or give them interesting characteristics.  I’m pretty sure most of them don’t have a single line of dialogue.  Refer back to #3.

17.       The ending is so anticlimactic.  Optimus Prime comes back to life, he kicks everyone’s ass, Sam and Mikaela kiss, the end.  Could they have at least given us a final battle that lasted longer than 2 minutes?

18.       This movie revealed the one true religion by giving us a glimpse of Robot Heaven.  That’s right.  Sam dies near the end of the movie and he is sent to Robot Heaven.  There, the dead Primes tell Sam that he is the one destined to ruin this franchise – I mean, to save Earth and Cybertron.  So, there you go, Sam is the true hero of this whole franchise, not the battling robots who started all of this crap to begin with.  Why the hell is Sam so special?  He is, after all, “a normal kid with normal problems”, as the lovely script tells us.  And what the hell kind of destiny is that?  Sam’s destined to wake up and stick the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime?  Like no one else nearby could do that?  Damn this movie to hell!

19.       John Turturro shows his ass in a scene.  NEXT.

20.       There are so many moments in this movie where I felt that the characters should have died.  For example, Sam, Mikaela, and Leo are all stuck in a van that was dropped 100 feet in the air by the Decepticons.  The van lands front first into the hard concrete, falls upside down, and yet everyone survived!  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!  Also, Sam is beat up and flung around often by the Decepticons, but he no-sells the hit each time and he soon gets back up.  Geez, maybe Sam IS The One!  Or at least he’s the next John Cena.

10 More Horrible Things About Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

21.       Why were Sam’s parents flown to Egypt by the Decepticons?  I understand that they were used to try and trap Sam, but why did the Decepticons fly them all the way from France?  Couldn’t they have just captured and used Mikaela instead?  I guess they had to be there for Sam’s big, obligatory “You gotta let me go, Dad!” scene.

22.       I mentioned this before, but Leo, Sam’s college roommate, is so very annoying!  He spends the entire time in this movie screaming and telling the other characters that they are, in fact, crazy.  Also, he somehow manages to be even more of an unlikable creep than Sam when it comes to girls.  Leo’s only point in this movie is to talk about the Transformers conspiracy, but that is quickly discarded early in the film, making his character ultimately pointless.  Oh, and by the way…

23.            Remember that huge battle that took place in the middle of Mission City?  Remember the millions of dollars of damage that happened and the number of people who witnessed the event?  Well guess what?  The government has covered all of that up!  There is no mainstream consensus that the Transformers even existed, and there are only a scant number of videos taken of the battle posted online.  I have never seen the government do anything this effectively!  Hell, a very similar battle took place in the middle of Shanghai, and everyone is none the wiser!  Good job, government!  I wish you could be this effective in your legislative branch!

24.       When Mikaela catches Sam kissing another girl in his dorm room, she autonomously becomes jealous, despite the fact that he was clearly not enjoying it and the girl was actually a Decepticon.  This misunderstanding lasts way too long in the film.

25.            Mikaela’s line as she kills said Decepticon:  “Kiss this, bitch!”  Ugh.  That hurts.

26.       The whole library scene is just awful.  The characters had no reason to go there, the cinematography was very messy, and all it does is give Michael Bay an excuse to fulfill his lifelong dream and destroy tons educational material.

27.       When the U.S. military collects Optimus Prime’s body, they just plop his dead carcus on the ground, instead of lowering him down with any form of reverence.  No respect, no respect at all!

28.       The midget guard at the Egypt-Jordan border crossing.  Why?  What the hell is funny about that?

29.              The midget guard lets Sam and his gang go on through simply because they are Americans.  I’d like to see you try that at the real Egypt-Jordan border!

30.       There is one, AND ONLY ONE, female Autobot in the entire film with any line of dialogue.  She had one line, then she was immediately destroyed.  What a great female role model!  While she lasted…

10 More Horrible Things About Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, And Then I’m Done, I Swear

31.            Sergeant Epps had a weak throw with an orange smoke grenade, which marked the area for the upcoming air strike, and then he casually tells Lennox about it.  Wouldn’t a better, more authentic reaction be, “RUN!  RUN!  YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE IF YOU DON’T HAUL ASS NOW!!”?

32.       The farting Decepticon.

33.       The Decepticon with a gun for a penis.

34.       The Decepticon with wrecking balls for a scrotum.

35.            Basically any ridiculous, superfluous Decepticon that I forgot about.

36.       I really thought the tongue-chain thing on the female Decepticon looked stupid.  What the hell kind of purpose does that serve?  How is it an effective tool or weapon at all?  Why is it advantageous for a robot to taste food from a distance?

37.            Humping dogs.

38.            Humping dogs.  The second time around!

39.       Yakov.  Oh my God, why didn’t anyone warn me about this character before I chose to watch this movie?!  He only appears for a few seconds, but his presence resounds throughout the rest of the movie.  He is, without a doubt, the most racist image I could possibly try to comprehend!  I don’t even know what race he is, all I know is that he is brown, he has horrible teeth, he works at a degrading, minimum-wage job at a butcher shop, and his only aspiration in life is to afford new teeth.  WTF, Michael Bay?!  What the hell is wrong with you?!  Have you no shame?!  IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN PUT IN THIS MOVIE THAT ISN’T HORRIBLY INSULTING TO ANYONE???!!!!!!

40.       And the absolutely worst part about Revenge of the Fallen, how much money it made.  At around $402 million, it is the 11^th highest grossing film of all time.  Are you kidding me?!  What does that say about us as an American film audience?!  How could we condone such a horrible movie?!  This is one of the worst movie-watching experiences of my life!  Even after all of the bad things about the film that I just listed, I still feel like I am letting it off the hook.  There are so many shitty aspects of Revenge of the Fallen, it probably needs at least a decade of serious film analysis to discover them all.  Plus, it is insulting to many ethnicities, it is insulting to women, and it is insulting to anything with any sort of intelligence.  Please, PLEASE do yourself a huge favor and run away from this film, this filthy, ugly, noisy, annoying, racist, insensitive, shallow, braindead, vapid, nauseating, chaotic, expensive mess of a film!!!!!!

Whew, that felt good.

Rating: 1 Star

Distributed by Paramount Pictures

Studio: DreamWorks Pictures

            Running time:  149 minutes that you will never get back

Teeth (2007) Review

Just when you thought it was safe to go back inside her pants…

Seriously, though, there are a number of similarities between Jaws and the movie I am reviewing today, Teeth.  The movie titles are nearly identical, the featured sharp-toothed beasts are rarely shown on screen, and both movies attempt to scare teenagers from doing things that they find fun.  But instead of scaring girls from skinny-dipping in the ocean in the middle of the night, Teeth has the nobler intention of scaring horny teenage boys from taking advantage of girls.

It is effortless to pass this film off as an exploitation horror flick.  I mean, my God, it is about a teenage girl who chomps off guys’ penises with her ravenous mutant vagina!  But if you could look past the film’s shock gimmick and go deeper into its plot elements and subtexts, you would find a clever story that makes a rather poignant case on a topical issue.  This movie definitely has something to say, though it is debatable whether it says it in the most elegant way it could.

Teeth is about a young girl named Dawn O’Keefe, played by Jess Weixler.  Dawn is the spokesperson for a Christian abstinence group who talks to young people about purity rings and “saving it until marriage”.  Unfortunately, she just so happens to live in Rapeville, USA, where every man in the town, including classmates and gynecologists, tries to take advantage of her sexually, in one way or another.  Through a couple of encounters, she (rather gruesomely) discovers that she has “vagina dentata”, a mythical condition that, shall we say, “gives her kitty some bite”.  Although she is initially frightened by her newfound uniqueness, she eventually uses it to her advantage as she takes revenge on those who have wronged her.

Teeth turns the tables on the typical role of female characters in horror movies.  In most of these types of films, the female characters always play the victim, and they are either sexually assaulted by the male killer or otherwise punished by him for their promiscuity.  In this movie, the innocent-looking girl IS the deadly killer.  But she doesn’t necessarily hunt her victims; her victims come to her with their sick, sexual intentions and they certainly do deserve what’s waiting to them.  That is why I find it hard to call Teeth a horror movie.  I believe that it has more in common with the female revenge exploitation movies like I Spit On Your Grave or the much more recent Kill Bill movies.

It is also hard to call this movie a comedy, as it is so often listed.  True, there is plenty of humor in this film, but it’s not like the director and writer, Mitchell Lichtenstein, went out of his way to make this movie hilarious.  It’s not like the Evil Dead sequels or the Scary Movie series, where yuks are thrown in all over the place.  The main source of comedy in Teeth comes from its ridiculous concept and the few bits of satire in the plot.  Otherwise, the film actually takes itself quite seriously.

You know, when I took a film analysis course in college, one of my classmates’ favorite running jokes is how much of the literature about film is on how the female characters want to castrate their male companions so that they can achieve some higher level of empowerment.  In Teeth, the concept is taken literally.  Dawn is actually removing penises from their respective proud owners, and in the meantime, is enjoying a new sense of empowerment and control that she had never felt before.  To me, this is a refreshing change of pace in a genre full of misogynistic scenes and obligatory female knife-fodder.  It also ties in very nicely with the film’s whole story, which makes a much stronger argument against abstinence than most female-oriented drivel, such as the Twilight series, make for it.

Follow me on this:  Here we have Dawn, a teenage girl who has always praised and endorsed abstinence.  She even travels to different schools and promotes the purity ring, a symbol that lets others know that she refuses to have sex before marriage.  She then meets Toby, a well-meaning, soft-spoken young man who is also restraining himself from the urge of premarital sex.  After a while of hanging out, they both admit an attraction to one another.  This scares Dawn, as she fears that this attraction could make her accidentally give up her treasured virginity.  So she proposes that Toby and herself should stop seeing each other, which they agree upon.

After a while, though, they both give in and decide to see each other again at the swimming hole, one of their hangout places from before.  As the date goes on, their passions escalate, as they go from playfully swimming together to making out in a nearby cave.  Toby then suggests the idea of sex.  This, of course, makes Dawn apprehensive, and she begins to push Toby away.  Toby, who is already caught up in the moment, refuses to take “no” for an answer and begins raping her.  Fortunately, she discovers her natural self-defense mechanism just in time, and Toby is left in the swimming hole severely wounded.

Dawn is horrified by what happened at the swimming hole, both Toby’s actions and her own.  But she actually sees Toby, not herself, as the victim in this situation.  Through her fear of sex and her personal ideals that she presses on other people, she turned this innocent young man into a violent sexual predator, who later turns up dead due to his injuries from the incident.  She begins to see a mortal flaw with the concept of abstinence.  Worse yet, she sees that the “abstinence only” message that she has been preaching to young girls is actually propaganda, which reinforces her own ideological beliefs and discourages any alternatives or second thoughts on the subject.  After realizing this, she drops her purity ring off of a cliff as a symbolic gesture for her renouncement of abstinence.  No more will she live in fear of the sexual desires of others.  No more will she let her apprehensions control her life and her relationships.  She is now going to make smart choices on her own sexuality.

Dawn then loses her virginity to another classmate of hers.  Even though she has just discovered her sexuality, this does not make her a whore.  In fact, her “gift” defends her from those who try to take advantage of her.  With a clamp from her second set of teeth, she delivers swift justice to those who push sex onto her or trivialize her sexuality.  From here on out, she is protected to let go of her natural urges and empowered by her new decisions.

Embracing your own sexual identity is the main theme in Teeth’s story, and it certainly is one with good intentions.  I’m just not too sure on the execution, however.  For one, obviously not every woman has a set of razor-sharp teeth surrounding her vajayjay, so how else could they possibly be protected from someone who wants to sexually assault them?  I mean, rape could possibly happen whether you are sexually active or not.  Secondly, biting off a large chunk of a man’s penis seems like an excessive retaliation that I, as a male, am uncomfortable with, even if it is meant to be metaphorical.  Finally, if this message is supposed to be directed towards young impressionable girls, then it is told through a story that they will surely not find appealing, making the whole message rather pointless.

Still, this is not a bad film at all.  Teeth is just your average cheesy gorefest that transcends its genre by offering clever satire and ignoring the traditional female-victim prerogative.  It’s not the most elaborately constructed horror movie, but it gets the job done.  I would recommend it to those who crave good old horror flick fun and want to avoid the torture porn that currently occupies much of the horror genre.  I believe you will be pleasantly surprised by how deeply this film will make you think about sexuality and the portrayal of women in horror movies.

Now if you excuse me, I need to continue convincing myself that vagina dentata doesn’t exist…

Rating:  3 Stars

Distributed by Roadside Attractions

            Running time: 88 minutes

Punch-Drunk Love (2002) Review

As with any child of the 90’s, I was a huge Adam Sandler fan growing up.  Hell, I was practically raised by the man through such movies as Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and The Waterboy.  I don’t know what it is about his movies, but they just seemed to release this unique sense of innocent humor that, even to this day, I find charming.  So when I first heard about Punch-Drunk Love, I was hesitant to watch it.  I didn’t want to watch my childhood cinematic idol abandon his genre of expertise (crude slapstick comedy) and potentially botch an attempt to enter the serious realm of acting in this drama.  Can Sandler perform well without making a fool of himself?  Can he make this dramatic role work?

Well, let me put some fears to rest:  Adam Sandler is EXCELLENT in this film.  He plays Barry Egan, a lonely, emotionally handicapped small-time business man who is prone to fits of violent rage and held captive by the overbearing ridicule and manipulation of his seven sisters (having two older sisters myself, I can relate).  Sandler doesn’t try too hard to be serious or dramatic, and as a result, he delivers a performance that feels authentic.  It’s surprising, too, considering that his acting in this film occasionally reminded me of characters he played in previous movies, like Bobby Boucher and Happy Gilmore.  Sandler’s natural raw acting style in this movie is reminiscent to a young Dustin Hoffman from The Graduate.  In fact, Barry Egan could easily be a grown up version of Benjamin Braddock after the events of that movie.

But don’t let me give you the impression that Punch-Drunk Love is only a vehicle to show off Sandler’s acting chops.  The true superstar of this movie is the director, Paul Thomas Anderson.  Anderson strikes me as a director who takes a big step in developing his style with each film he makes.  PDL was released before There Will Be Blood, Anderson’s most recent, critically acclaimed and Oscar-nominated film, and you can tell from the films’ similar visual and audio productions that the auteur had found a directorial voice that was stylistically independent from his influences, which include Scorsese, Kubrick, and Altman.  PDL marks a great historical moment in Anderson’s career, in which he stopped making movies that mirrored other directors’ works and started embracing his role as one of the greatest directors currently working.

If you remember any of the TV commercials for this movie in 2002, you might think that this movie is just a quirky romantic dramedy about a troubled young man who finally finds love, and for the most part, you’d be right.  But there is so much to the plot of PDL than just the romance.  There is a surprisingly large emphasis to a separate plot thread that stems from earlier in the film in which Barry calls a phone-sex hotline.  I don’t want to give away what happens with that, but I will say that this plot thread does create a heavy atmosphere of suspense and escalation that I found very captivating.

The one thing that I admire the most about this film is how it avoids being classified into a category and almost becomes its own genre.  It has comedic moments, but they aren’t stupid and distracting like in other comedies.  There’s a romance that blossoms, but the couple isn’t your average, super-passionate couple that you see other romantic movies.  There are great moments of suspense, but they don’t take up too much screen time.  There are abstract, metaphorical aspects of this movie, but the overall plot is rather straightforward.  And you do have a troubled protagonist, but his road to redemption doesn’t follow the path that you might expect.  All around, this film feels fresh and entertaining by avoiding all of the tired clichés that drag down other movies.

I also admire the visual design of PDL.  Anderson creates a beautiful mesh of dull, sterile textures and bright colors that both pleases the eye and complements the plot.  For example, it is no coincidence that many of the things that pull Barry out from his drab life are very colorful.  His bright blue suit, Lena’s red dress (both of which serve as an homage to Godard’s 1961 film, Une Femme Est Une Femme), the beaches and parties of Hawaii, and the pied aisles of the grocery store where Barry purchases pudding cups to exploit the food company’s promotional contest, they all attract the audience’s eyes as well as Barry’s.  Add in the strikingly bright video artwork of Jeremy Blake, and you have a true feast for the eyes.

And let’s not forget the unique soundtrack.  If you just heard the soundtrack by itself, you would think that it came from an intense action flick.  In reality, it mirrors the anxiety and hecticness that Barry faces dealing with his company, his hotline problems, and his nagging sisters.  There are also tunes played on the harmonium, accompanying the harmonium that you see on screen (this instrument is a very important motif in PDL).  The song that you will probably remember most, and possibly have stuck in your head for a day or two, is Shelley Duvall’s fittingly awkward version of “He Needs Me” (written by…hey, Harry Nilsson!  What do you know?!).

As with many of Anderson’s past films, PDL features an ensemble cast of highly respectable actors.  Emily Watson accompanies Sandler as Barry’s love interest, Lena Leonard.  Any other actress would have probably played Lena as a bubbly Manic Pixie Dream Girl.  Watson, however, plays a love interest who is more controlled and sincere, which is a nice accompaniment to the film’s apparent avoidance from genre traps.  You can tell, through Watson’s performance, that Lena really sympathizes with Barry and wants to be with him, which was important for this movie’s success.

Another memorable performance in this film is delivered by none other but the great Philip Seymour Hoffman.  He plays Dean Trumbell, owner of a mattress store in Utah and entrepreneur of the phone-sex hotline that Barry gets in trouble with.  At first, Dean seems intimidating and formidable, but as the story carries on, you realize that he is just a sad little man who is afraid to back up his big talk.  Hoffman makes this transition seamlessly and very effectively.

This movie struck the right note with me.  As an awkward individual myself, I can relate to many of the anxieties that Barry faces.  I didn’t know if I would like the movie before I began watching it, but now I consider it one of my all-time favorites.  I like it better than The Graduate, its closest film in terms of style and character similarities.  I even like it better than Anderson’s biggest film, There Will Be Blood, which is another one of my favorites.  I could’ve easily given PDL my first 5 Star rating, had I had a little more confidence that the average person could appreciate this movie as much as I did.  However, I have to admit that there are moments in which the symbolism of the film interferes with the logic of the characters.  For example, why didn’t Barry call the police WAY beforehand?  Furthermore, why did Barry take the harmonium with him when he went to Lena’s apartment?  I managed to overlook these questions, but others might not have this suspension of disbelief, and I respect that.

            I still very, very, VERY highly recommend Punch-Drunk Love.  I have a feeling that this will be one of those films that, years later, will be fondly remembered and studied.  It has a deep, highly symbolic visual design, overflowing amounts of originality, and a great, uplifting romantic story.  As much as I like to pulverize crappy movies like Corky Romano through the written word, I get the greatest joy from this hobby of film reviewing when I get to introduce you to spectacular, overlooked films such as this.  Please cast all of your reservations aside, as I did, and check this film out.

Rating:  4 Stars

Distributed by Columbia Pictures

Studio:  Revolution Studios / New Line Cinema

Running time:  95 minutes

Transformers (2007) Review

Since Transformers: Dark of the Moon is coming out in the beginning of July, I thought it would be a good idea to review the two movies that came before it this June, as a sort of a retrospective.  After those are published, I will release a recommendation as to whether or not you should go see Dark of the Moon, based on the first two movies, the trailer, and my previous experience with Michael Bay.  I will try to see and review the movie during its run, but before I do so, the recommendation would serve as an unofficial review for those thinking about seeing it in the theaters.  It would not reflect the actual quality of the film; it would just be an educated guess based on what I’ve seen.

Let’s start at the most convenient spot to start, the first movie of the new series, 2007’s Transformers.  Before this movie was released, Transformers was a beloved toy franchise that spawned a number of spin-offs, television shows and animated movies.  This movie, directed by Michael Bay and produced by Steven Spielberg, serves as sort of a reboot to the series, replacing the clean-cut, colorful, toy-like look of the robotic characters with a grittier, gunmetal design.  I’ve heard nothing but bad things about Transformers, but I wanted to give it a fair look for this review.

I knew this movie was in trouble right from the opening credits, as the Dreamworks and Paramount Pictures logos were accompanied by mechanical whirring and whooshing sounds.  This reminded me that this movie was the byproduct of the Hollywood machine, created to attract as wide of a consumer base as possible, yet giving nothing back to the viewer.  This reminded me that the movie I was about to watch was going to be a shallow, loud, big-budget mess of a summer blockbuster.  The rest of the movie confirmed this.

The entire film was shot in this very frantic pace, quickly switching from roaming shaky cam to extreme close-ups to perspectives inside the robots to slo-mo action to some other random angle.  There were times in which I thought I would become physically sick from watching this film.  One of the only consistent features in all of these shots is some sort of a bright light, whether it was the sun or a car headlight, which would create an annoying lens flare that would take up about half of the screen.  I remember when shots like this were considered bad cinematography; in Transformers, it is “artistic”.

To complement the chaos of the cinematography, the acting in Transformers is equally manic, thoughtless, and annoying.  Shia “no no No No N-NONONONO!” LaBeouf, who leads as Sam Witwicky, gives the hands-down most annoying performance in this movie, running around all over the screen, screaming like a caffeinated squirrel-monkey, and turning this otherwise relatable character into a pervy creep.  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, though; Sam’s parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White) are both equally annoying with their grating voices and constant blabbing.  Outside the Witwicky household, Mikaela Baines (played by Megan Fox) and the rest of Sam’s high-school class annoyingly play up their respective high-school stereotypes.  Josh Duhamel and Tyrene Gibson, as captains of a special operations team, annoyingly shout out all of their militaristic lines.  John Turturro plays the annoying member of the annoying Sector 7 that annoyingly passes off the concerns of the other annoying characters.  Are you sensing a pattern here?

To accompany all of these annoying characters, there also exists a little bit of racial tension in many of the scenes that I found uncomfortable to sit through.  Anthony Anderson and Bernie Mac seem to embrace their roles as ugly African-American stereotypes (I literally cringed when Bernie Mac’s character called out “Hey, Mammy!”).  One of the Autobots, Jazz, was another horrible black stereotype (“What’s crackin’, li’l bitches?”) who, coincidently, was the only Autobot to die.  There are also derogatives and stereotypes in the dialog that referenced Hispanics, Chinese, and Iranians.  All of these racial stereotypes just make the writing in Transformers appear childish and insensitive.

Despite all of these complaints, I admit that if I squinted my eyes and cocked my head to the right a bit, I could see how some people might think that Transformers was a decent action movie.  Especially in the last scene, the action is packed and hard-hitting.  The production value is very high, and you could be amazed as to how they could incorporate all of this CGI so well with the live-action.  And, unlike what many critics have said, I was able to keep track of the robot battles and the individual Autobots and Decepticons (not that it mattered; the Autobots only had a handful of lines to introduce their one-dimensional personalities).

All in all, I do not recommend anyone watching Transformers.  The cinematography is dizzying, the characters are extremely annoying, and the dialog choices are very poor and exploitative (there is one scene of shameless self-promotion when some character exclaimed that something was as awesome as Armageddon, another Michael Bay film; that made me die a little inside).  If you are desperate for an action flick, there are worse movies, but not many.  I would even recommend District 9 over Transformers; at least that movie TRIED to be somewhat intelligent!

Rating: 2 Stars

Okay, so this isn’t a great start to the Michael Bay series.  But a decent director with the right studio can recognize this criticism and use it to improve the sequel.  All they have to do is make the cinematography more coherent, make the actors less annoying, get rid of the racial references, develop more meaningful characters, improve the dialog, maintain the level of production, and stay true to the original franchise.  Since Michael Bay has a deep history in filmmaking, he is fully capable of doing all of these things.  Therefore, the sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, cannot help but be the better film, right?

…Right?

Distributed by Paramount Pictures

Studio:  DreamWorks Pictures

            Running time: 144 minutes