Corky Romano (2001) Review

CORKY…

How could I possibly write a coherent, thoughtful review for this festering piece of shit?  This review is the product of all the pent-up rage I have suffered through since the first time I’ve seen this movie, many years ago.  I needed to vent my feelings through some sort of outlet, even if it meant watching this turd a second time for this review.  Corky Romano has wasted 3 hours of my life that I will never get back.  This review is payback.  I refuse to show mercy!  I refuse to give credit where credit is NOT due!  I WANT CORKY’S HEAD SERVED TO ME ON A PLATTER!!!

You might think that I am too much of a movie critic to enjoy stupid comedies like Corky Romano.  Wrong!  I was a child of the 90’s.  My first loves in film were Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, and the Austin Powers flicks.  Even though I have “expanded my palette” in films, I still enjoy watching each and every one of those movies.  Sure, they may be dumb and generic, but I still find them uproarious, and compared to Corky they are like Stanley Kubrick films!

The title character in Corky Romano, played by Chris Kattan, is a naturally skittish assistant veterinarian banished from the family mafia by his crime lord daddy (Peter Falk) and his two brothers Paulie and Peter. (Peter Berg and Chris Penn.  Seriously, guys, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!)  When the family gets in trouble with the FBI, they enlist the unlikely Corky as a spy to pose as a highly specialized federal agent and destroy the crucial evidence held by the FBI, of course with hilarious results!

First of all, Chris Kattan is not a leading actor.  He may have had some funny moments on SNL and other movies, but here he is just not funny.  The script tries to make Corky likable by making him wear colorful ties and sing cheesy 80’s tunes.  Instead, he comes across as supremely annoying and pathetic through Kattan’s constant mugging and twitchy acting.  Kattan just tries way to hard in this film and takes it nowhere.

But don’t worry! The rest of the cast has the exact opposite problem; they don’t try at all.  Despite the somewhat big names in this movie, no one steps up to be memorable or likable here.  It is painfully obvious that none of the other actors care, and I can’t really blame them.

Secondly, Corky’s rise through the ranks of the FBI is completely implausible at best.  This addle-brained, fumbling mess of a human being just casually walks into the FBI headquarters, flashes his fake badge, and immediately receives assignments from the higher-ups.  No one at any point questions his guise, despite the fact that he obviously has no idea what he is doing and consistently puts everyone’s life at risk through his stupidity.  Correction:  There is one agent who DOES see through Corky, but nobody believes him.  AND he turns out to be the primary villain.  Fuck this movie.

Also, I have never seen as much humor shoved down the audience’s throats as I had in Corky.  “You like midgets, right?  Well, we have a midget in this movie, and he’s a kung-fu fighting gangster.  That’s hilarious, right?  Or do you like bestiality implications?  Our main character gives a dog CPR!  And you will absolutely bust a gut when you watch Corky speak to kids while high on cocaine!  Comedy gold!”  Seriously, how many times have you seen these tired comedy movie gags?!  I feel so God damn insulted by this movie!

And let’s not forget the obligatory romance that “blossoms” between Corky and fellow agent Kate (Vinessa Shaw).  Near the end of the movie (yes, I’m spoiling the ending of this movie, because I simply do not care), the most jarring relationship transition occurs.  In one shot, Corky and Kate appear to have just started to like one another.  In the next shot, they are walking down the aisle.  Really?!  They get married?!!  This is complete bullshit!

But the thing that pisses me off more than anything else in this movie is the fact that many people actually like it!  As of right now, the audience rating on Rotten Tomatoes.com is 42%.  WHAT!!!!!!!  That is a little less than average.  This movie is nowhere near a little less than average!  Some people put this movie in the “so bad, it’s good” category.  Listen, Troll 2 is so bad, it’s good.  The Room is so bad, it’s good.  Corky Romano is so bad, it’s frickin’ unbearable!  It is insulting, vacuous, and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.  There are so many more things I could bitch about this movie, but I hope that I have said enough here.

AVOID CORKY ROMANO AT ALL COSTS.  PLEASE!!!!!

Rating: 1 Star

Distributed by Touchstone Pictures

Produced by Robert Simonds Productions

Running time: 86 of the longest minutes of my life